Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
