when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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