the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
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We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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