I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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