I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
