update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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