She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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