He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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