if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
