Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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