All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
