Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
