Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
