I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
