I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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