I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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