My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
