Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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