Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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