Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
