It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
