i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Barsexuality is the new black.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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