could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
