The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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