Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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