It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
