Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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