if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
