There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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