its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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