I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
