I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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