I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
