I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
