i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
