Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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