4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
