I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
