Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
