dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad