If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.