someone threw a dead crab at me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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