I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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