Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
