I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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