you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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