True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
