Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
