Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
