I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
