I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
