shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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