if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
