Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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