I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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