i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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