fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
