I'm so fucking centered right now
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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