I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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