At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just blew my weed a kiss
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
